Family & Baby

the four people you will meet

There will be four very important people you will meet in your life. But of course, there will be many more important people in your life, but these four in particular will forever change you. They will help you grow, shape you. They will make you stronger. Some will be gentle, some will be harsh. Some will make you feel like you’re worth the world, and some will bring you straight to your knees.

The wrong person at the wrong time

This person will probably be your first boyfriend or girlfriend. It may be something special. No, it probably was something special, just in a different way. Maybe you lost your virginity to this person. Maybe they were your first kiss. (Hopefully in reverse order lolol).  Maybe you even consider this person your first love. But in most cases, that probably won’t be true. This person is the idea of how love is suppose to be. It’s the foundation in which you gain an understanding of what you want out of a relationship, what you need, and most certainly what you do not want or need. This is a big chapter in your life. This person will teach you a lot about yourself, your likes and dislikes, what is an absolute deal-breaker, and what are some qualities you want in a future relationship. But mostly you’ll have fun and a ton of butterflies with this person. This person will get to explore things with you and share such a fragile part of your brain and heart. Ultimately, you’ll understand that this person isn’t right for you. It was simply love in passing. It was a summer of romance. Or maybe even a long relationship full of firsts. You are no where near ready to settle down, and of course you still ask yourself, “what else is out there? Who else is out there?”. Say thanks for the memories to your first and move on.

The right person at the wrong time

This is next step in your journey of finding love and happiness. This person is probably someone you’ll never forget. The person you will have the most fun with and the person with whom you will completely and fully open your heart and soul to. This is the person who will help you grasp who you truly are. Come face to face with your devils and ride a crazy roller coaster with you while trying to figure it all out. You’ll wear your heart on your sleeve and you’ll be closer than ever. This is the person who you wish you could spend your life with, but there is only one thing truly standing in the way: timing. Timing is such a pain in the ass. So you may have to move forward without this one. You haven’t explored everything yet, the world, the sights, the people, and you simply cannot give everything to someone until you’re ready to give everything to yourself. And you still haven’t found yourself yet. Not quite.. This ‘right person at the wrong time‘ has everything you need, but sadly, for whatever reason it may be, it won’t work out. You’ll grow and learn from this person forever. You’ll never forget this person, and you will learn more from this person than you can imagine. This person is crucial. This person feels like home.

The wrong person at the right time

This phase has got to be the hardest phase to go through. You’ve discovered yourself. You feel so good about yourself, and you’re finally ready to take the plunge and dive into marriage and kids. Everything is right. You feel it. But what you also feel is that this person isn’t the one. You can feel it all over. You cannot deny it, but you try to, because everything is all right, so obviously you think, why can’t this person be right? Because it wasn’t meant to be. This one is a tough one. Oh man, will you learn. And it’ll hurt too, but you’re going to be so much stronger. I promise. You’ll learn mostly how much strength it takes to walk away from something or someone you know isn’t right for you. You’ll learn about the courage it takes to be honest with yourself. And you’ll learn that there are painful endings. And that sometimes, no matter how hard you try to hang on for dear life, you will get thrown from it. With blisters on your hands and scrapes on your knees, you’ll get back up again. For the last time.

The right person at the right time

At last. This is pure gold. This is the person you’ll spend your life with. You may even skip all of the above steps and find this person early in life. This is when it feels like the stars have aligned. Everything is right. Everything feels right. You can feel it in your bones. In the pit of your stomach and in your core. Or maybe it’s just a simple, when you know, you know. Maybe this person is even the one that was right at the wrong time. Maybe you’ve grown and figured things out that you weren’t able to before. Maybe you were able to reconnect and be stronger than ever. This phase of your life makes you feel complete. You feel happy and complete even without this person, but this person makes waking up feel like you’re the luckiest person alive.  Everyone deserves to find this person. This person will teach you the most important things about yourself. They will fill in all the missing pieces that were left over from the others. They will patch up the holes in your heart from all of the stabs it took along the way. I hope every single one of you find this person. I hope you never settle for anything less, and I hope you realize you deserve this person as much as they deserve you.



Family & Baby

pros & cons of moving from your hometown to a new state

^^ Sweet home Chicago 

A long, long time ago…just kidding, just like three years back really 🙂 I moved away from the only home I ever knew, sweet home Chicago, 800ish miles away to the East Coast (first VA & now I’m somewhat nestled in PA).

When I think about these experiences, it brings out a lot emotions in me, some good and some bad. I wanted to share some of the pros and the cons I have felt and dealt  with these past few years. For those of you who may be deciding to leave the only home you’ve ever known.  Or maybe you’re just moving a little further away.  It is by no means an easy decision. Moving away from family and friends is hard no matter what the circumstances are. Whatever the case may be, here’s what I have taken away from this experience thus far and I hope maybe it will help you in your thought process.

Also, please keep in mind I moved away while I was 7 months pregnant, so being a new mom in a new state was very hard and altered my experience in many ways!

(Let’s start with the positives, shall we, since they say it’s good to look on bright side)

pros of moving to another state:

  • New experiences everywhere: probably my favorite part about this whole journey was when we moved into this amazing area called Arlington that was just a few miles from D.C. In fact, when my brother came to visit, he rode his bike to see the White House. Getting out and experiencing new places, new bites to eat, new sites, new opportunities were around every corner and every street. Now we live near farms and I get to experience a whole new scene: picking my own apples, blueberries, abundance of farmer’s markets (my fav), and all kinds of antique stores.
  • You have a chance at a fresh new start: when I left Chicago, it felt like I could leave all the baggage behind and start new. I wasn’t the same person I was in college anymore, so any drama or unhappy moments just kind of disappeared. Any mistakes that I had made just didn’t seem to follow me around as much anymore. I was able to start fresh, to find a new identity, maybe even try out a new name. I totally did that one year at summer camp in middle school. I tried out Jessie and it totally didn’t fit/work for me, not to mention I never answered to it.
  • You get to truly focus on you: you’ve been giving the tools you needed to succeed, and now it’s time to get out there and do something for yourself. You get to chose your own path, your own happiness, your future. Whether that is moving away to be with a special someone, or taking an amazing job opportunity, you do what you need to for yourself. It goes in line with one of my favorite quotes, “there are two gifts we should give our children, one is roots, the other is wings”. We will always know exactly where our home and our roots are, but we also need to have the courage and strength to leave them to explore new ground. No one will ever take away your home, because it’s more than simply a location or a pin on a map, it’s in your heart and in your mind. Moving to another state takes courage and energy, but you will be rewarded with strength and growth. Are you tired of the same scene? Are you tired of feeling like there is more out there? Maybe it’s time to explore something else.

cons of moving to another state:

  • I have not been able to “replace” my friends: I hate using the word replace, because of course, I can never replace the friends I have back in Chicago, they are pretty amazing and I would never ever want to in a million years, but mostly I have to yet to find friendships similar to them here. Like deep rooted friends, those you’d call in the middle of the night in tears, those friends for me are still 800 miles away. I’m still looking for a group I can feel a part of here, and sadly, I haven’t quite found it yet. Friends here and there, but nothing as substantial and deep as I had back home. But I’m happy doing my own things lately and exploring little bits and pieces of me in ways I haven’t before. Some part of me thinks I haven’t made as many friends as I would have hoped because I won’t let myself, (enter some type of fear here, maybe moving on?) or maybe because I found all my close friends during college and we had the time, energy, and cash from our shift to head out after work and blow it all on drinks at bars, come to work the next morning hungover and maybe even throw up in the back bathroom at work in between taking tables (say whaaaat, that never happened). What they say is true, you really do find your forever friends in college, before you “adult” and have children. You get to be stupid, fun, and make a million memories. Most days I think that my lack of opening up to meet friends is true, but most days, I’m like, I’m a mama, I’m tired. You want to grab a drink at 9 pm? Are you joking? Netflix & bed, mmmkay? Maybe I’m just looking for a girlfriend who wants to lay in bed and drink Merlot with me and chat about the good and the ugly of motherhood. If that sounds like you, come on over. Only if you bring wine of course.
  • Holidays suck: the first are the worst, and then it goes like this, I’ll definitely be home this year for Christmas, but then something comes up and money is tight and you just can’t. And then you say, well I will DEFINITELY be home for next Christmas, and then it rolls around again and you didn’t make it. And it’s a real bummer. Holiday’s are a time to really bond and spend time with the people you love the most, so of course it’s a sting of sadness when everyone you love isn’t near. It’s so easy to think you’ll be back for everything and won’t miss anything, but then weddings and baby showers go by, and you only have so much money in your budget that you have to pick and chose. In 2016, I lost two of my closest friends in a one month span. Oh my heart. I flew back for both funerals. I feel a lot of regret moving in hindsight, knowing I could have had more time. But that is just how life works, right?

Overall, the ride has had a lot of ups and downs, but with time, the sting of being homesick goes away more and more. Of course I still have my days where I sulk around thinking about all my friends and family, but I’m truly blessed to have a new experience. I’d like to head back to Chicago one of these days, but for now I’m trying to find in this new adventure.




will/can ’13 Reasons Why’ increase or decrease suicide?

What a show to watch. My first opinion is that it was very well written, directed, and just one of those shows you cannot stop watching. You go on with your day, but in the back of your mind you keep thinking, when can I get back to it? And you keep thinking about Hannah. The young, beautiful, and vulnerable high school student who was so distraught and pained that she thought the only way out was suicide. 

And then I found myself thinking a lot about my pain. About those really really trying days, were I truthfully believe everyone has been, where it feels like maybe the world’s ending or that there’s just nothing left. Or maybe I’m trying to make myself feel better, or less weak, because I’ve had more than a few share of those days. Or maybe I’m just part of that handful of people who suffer from depression. From a dark cloud above my head that consistently wants to rain on me. But I previal. I keep pushing on. Because I have this little light in me that won’t turn off. It wouldn’t go away if I tried. And then I had my son, and now I forever feel a fire burning inside me. 

But what about the people who have lost that light? Or had a weakened light to begin with? Whether it be genetics or trauma? Mental disorders? What about the people who, at this very moment, may have been considering suicide for awhile now? What about those people watching the show with idealization and contagion? Will those considering suicide see how quick it was for Hannah to end her pain? For her to make it all go away?

I don’t know. 

What a tough subject to write about. It’s such a tough subject to use any words to describe it. Am I downplaying it? Am I overplaying it? Are the words I’m using not sensitive enough? Are they the right words? Are they the wrong words?

Again, I don’t know. But I do know it’s important to talk about it, just like the creators of the show did. So please take every single word I use as I am using it as gently as respectfully as possible. Because I truthly am. 

I am, though, extremely impressed for the amount of research the crew did beforehand. The writers, the directors, the actors, the inclusion of so many psychologists and experts. I think they’re going to get a lot of shit for however they portrayed anything and everything. For every person who thought it was depicted accurately, another person thought it wasn’t. Oh that would never happen in my school. Did it? Is it?

That’s how it’s always going to be. Many parts of me wanted to believe things like that don’t happen. Perhaps it’s because it’s easier than to face the truth? Why didn’t Hannah stop the rape? Why didn’t anyone come forward about the tapes? Why didn’t Sheri call 911 after running down a stop sign? Why does anyone do or does not do anything? Why? And I wonder, what are the older generation’s thoughts on suicide. Before cyber bullying was a real thing. Before everyone could know within minutes what everyone else was doing. 

I don’t know. None of us truly know. You don’t know how you’re ever going to act until you yourself are in that situation. Until you’re in those seconds where you are left with you. With everything you know and feel, and you make a decision. Maybe you thought it was a good decision. Maybe you knew it was a bad decision. None the less, you made a decision. Or maybe you didn’t make any decision. But you still had an effect anyways. We all do. We always have an effect. 

So that’s where you just realize from watching this that you truly have absolutely no idea what anybody is going through at any given time. I loved at the end when Clay asked an old, disconnected friend to hang out. When? She asked. What about now? 

And so I wonder, will this increase the rate of suicide or decrease the rate of suicide? Will people considering suicide see how much pain was left behind? Or will they see that Hannah was freed from her pain and believe that they, too, can be freed?

I just want to hug and hold so tightly all those poor souls who think suicide is the only way. Is suicide really an option? I mean, is it a viable option if the pain is greater than not? 

Absolutely open and free from judgment. Do you think 13 Reasons Why can increase or decrease suicide? Or maybe you think it won’t do anything? Do you think suicide is an option?

Please feel free to comment here or email me if you’d feel more comfortable. About anything. Everything. I’m here for you. 

Maybe somebody will comment anonymously the way Hannah did in class. Maybe somebody needs help. Maybe we can save a life right here right now.

As Ellen always says, be kind to one another.